The Impaler enters the Republican Presidential fray

Posted by Joe Wrestling on June 29, 2011 under FUW News | Comments are off for this article

Bookmark and Share

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

As the U.S. news outlets focus upon Tea Party-backed candidate Michele Bachmann entering the fray to become the Republican Party Presidential Nominee on Monday, June 27th, most of her fellow Republican challengers are quivering with fear, and not just because she might have accidentally compared herself to John Wayne Gacy. As Bachmann overtakes her rivals in states like Iowa, one of her Republican challengers is not afraid of her: professional wrestler Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey.

Sharkey hopes to give Bachmann, Mitt Romney, and the other Republican front runners a run for their money. While the 47 year old might be a recent entrant into the G.O.P. Presidential mix, he has been wrestling since 1988. Getting his start with Larry Sharpe’s WWA promotion in a boxer vs. wrestler match, he faced former Can-Am Wrestling Champion “Diamond” Jim Brady. Since then, he has worked for a number of local promotions throughout the U.S., including with The Rock‘s father, Rocky Johnson. While he currently wrestles as a Vampire, his greatest influences could not be more different than his wrestling persona.: “Ric Flair and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. I used to train with Ricky at his old gym in North Carolina.”

While wrestling is his passion, he has always been interested in politics. Like most Republicans, he says his favorite President is Ronald Reagan. “Ronnie was the best President in modern history.” In fact, Reagan was the first President he ever voted for. There are myriad reasons as to why Sharkey wants to become President. “I am tired of seeing Americans, especially veterans and the elderly, sold out by the political establishment,” Sharkey told SLAM! Wrestling via an email interview. “Congress and those in power are getting yearly cost of living increases, but not disabled veterans and those on SSI and Social Security.”

Sharkey’s political zeal has sometimes got the better of him, such as when the Secret Service paid him a visit for allegedly making a veiled threat against then-President George W. Bush. But Sharkey is no fan of the current U.S. President, either. “Obama is even worse than Bush, and I never thought anyone could be worse than Bush. He has no idea how to run a country, nor should he be running a country,” Sharkey exclaimed.

Unlike some other candidates who dodge political history questions or answer them incorrectly, Sharkey is ready for any so-called “gotcha” journalism. The Impaler will not be “got.” Born and raised in New Jersey, he mentions with pride that it was “the 3rd State to ratify the Constitution. My Jersey ancestors fought to make this country great, but, their deaths are in vain, given the actions of the last 20-plus years of the politicians in DC.”

He is not one to shy away from controversy, either. If he becomes President of the U.S., he also hopes to become its High Executioner. “As President, I will execute via Impalement those who commit acts of terrorism against America and/or Americans, as well as those convicted of rape, murder, animal abuse … child abuse and/or child molestation, abusing or taking advantage of the elderly, DWI/DUI on the third conviction or upon causing bodily injury or death,” and other offences.

Sharkey took the time to answer questions on various policy issues for SLAM! Wrestling. While some of his responses place himself in the very conservative right wing of the Republican Party, such as opposing abortion and wanting evolution to be banned from being taught in public schools, he is very much to the left of candidates like Michele Bachmann (and possible future candidates like Sarah Palin). He is a libertarian when it comes to many other issues.

For example, when asked about President Obama’s health care reforms, he is against them, but does not wish to go back to the health care system the way it was before the reforms. For those who can not afford health care, Sharkey proposes a unique solution where not only the poor would have free health care, but free dental care, as well. “As President, I will legalize marijuana and prostitution,” he said, though he stresses that he himself does not smoke pot, or pays for sex. Sharkey would authorize the states to run both, “and the money made from these two businesses would be used for health, prescription, and dental insurance for those who can’t afford it.”

When questioned about using the U.S. military to invade other countries, he seems to channel Ron Paul when he said, “I would bring all of our troops home from hostile places and war zones.”

Indeed, the man who would personally execute criminals by impaling reveals himself to be more moderate than Bachmann and Palin in yet another way. Just days after New York State allowed same-sex marriages to be performed, he told SLAM! Wrestling, if elected President, he “will perform same-sex marriage at least twice a month at The White House. I believe everyone who is in love should have the right to marry their heart’s desire.”

While this might not endear him to some social conservatives within his party, his religious beliefs won’t win him followers from that same camp either. That camp won’t even accept a Mormon leader, such as Mitt Romney, so it should be no surprise if they were to be biased against Sharkey, an avowed “Luciferian [who] also follows the Goddess Hecate.” Describing his religion further, he says, “Lucifer was right rebelling against God. For had he not, man would never had the thought to do so. The best example of following Lucifer’s act of rebellion is our Founding Fathers. If you think about it, they rebelled against King George and the British Government. Had they not, we would not be the nation we are today.”

Sharkey continues by saying that “I also believe in the ways of the Goddess Hecate. And like her, I will unleash my vengeance upon my enemies. I believe in protecting Mother Earth. I will be a very environmentally caring President. Al Gore will love me for that!”

Someone who won’t love him would be Mitt Romney. Sharkey declared, “The Republican Party is doing stupid things that will allow Obama to win. And Mitt is one of those stupid things.” Sharkey primarily dislikes Romney for his inability to defend himself against critics within his own party. “In 2008, he spoke about being a Mormon….now he is staying away from it. Why? Did he forget about the 1st Amendment?” Sharkey asks rhetorically. “I am not ashamed of my beliefs. Why should he be?”

Not all current Republican leaders annoy him, however. When asked who his dream running mate would be, The Impaler replied, “If I get the nomination, I have to go with a Jersey Girl… Former NJ Governor Christie Todd Whitman.”

As there is still a long way to go before the Presidential Nomination is decided for the Republican Party, Sharkey is keeping himself busy with filmmaking, much like his hero, Ronald Reagan did before running for public office. “I am finishing post-production on The True Impaler: REDEMPTION! And the short film I did last summer — The Comeback Fighter — is now available on DVD. I also did a movie called — A Cat’s Life. It will be for sale on DVD in July,” Sharkey said. In addition to some films being made in Romania, he is also working on a pro wrestling film entitled PowerSlam, which will film in 2012, before the Presidential Elections, one assumes.

While some may describe Jonathon Sharkey as a fringe candidate, his opinions reveal him to be far more mainstream than some of the other front-runners in the G.O.P. Perhaps a future Republican Presidential Debate could include him next time. As one of America’s top political comedians, Bill Maher, host of HBO’s Real Time pointed out about the first Republican debate this year, it was all about showing how many children one had. Sharkey has three children (a fourth sadly passed away), which places him higher in the (baby) rankings than Newt Gingrich.

The pro wrestler in Sharkey makes him unafraid to take on both the establishment G.O.P and the Tea Party. When pressed on his opinion of Michelle Bachmann, The Impaler concluded, “She’s too flakey for me!”


  • Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey in the Internet Movie Database

    Ranjan Chhibber is a former WWE TV Writer with a Ph.D. in Film History who has taught at various universities in both the U.S. and Canada, and is the founder of SLAM! Wrestling’s “Minority Mat Report.” He can be reached through his publicist, Ms. Jaclyn Allmon, at

  • Article source:

    CvC 2.0. Who Was the Real First WWE Diva: Sable or Sunny?

    Posted by Kari on under FUW News | Comments are off for this article

    Red Division

    Tim Nguyen vs. Ryan Frye

    The Real First WWE Diva: Sable or Sunny?

    Well my friends, the first question posed to me in the opening round of the CvC 2.0 competition is, who was the real first WWE Diva: Sable or Sunny?

    To answer this question, I look back at which one had the greatest overall influence, most memorable moments and lasting legacy during their run(s) in the WWE.

    That diva would be Sable.

    To start off, I provide some history and backdrop.

    When I was a younger lad immersed in the wrestling industry, there were many stars that I looked up to. Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Sycho Sid, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bret Hart, Undertaker.

    Owned all the action figures, read the magazine, memorized the moves. Everything. Wrestling nerd at its finest.


    It was pre-WWF Attitude era, a post-Hulk Hogan era with no one huge definitive star but more of a collection of high-level stars, all fighting one another on a pretty even playing field for wrestling supremacy. It was more direct competition with one another and “who could outshine who” for dominance in the business rather than reliance on the one huge star or the mercy of those backstage pulling the strings that determined “the man”.

    WrestleMania 12 was the first WrestleMania that I got my dad to get for me for my birthday. I was eight years old and wanted to see the Iron Man Match between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart.

    While watching the event, a lesser match on the card caught my attention. It was the Ultimate Warrior vs. then supreme jobber Hunter Hearst HelmsleyOh how quickly times change. Though it was a squash match, the female valet accompanying HHH to the ring caught my attention. Here and then the wrestling world was introduced to the woman they called “Sable.”

    After the events of that night unfolded, we were left wondering who was this woman and what role would she play in the WWF.

    Almost with that introduction, it was as if a changing of the guard was taking place.


    We wanted to know more about that beautiful woman. More questions, more mystery.

    The WWF was slowly transforming itself from the family-friendly show to a more TV-14, mature audience one.


    Sable in her classic look during her first WWE run

    Rocky Maivia turned from baby-face Samoan good guy to the cocky, villainous Rock.

    Hunter Hearst Helmsey went from Greenwich snob to HBK’s bad boy sidekick. 

    Almost as if the audience dictated the content of the show with their concurrent and projected adolescent (and hormonal) desires.

    Hence, the Attitude Era was born which would shape everything we know and love about pro wrestling.

    For the male wrestlers, it meant violent bloody matches, weapons used from ringside and swearing like it was nobody’s business. It was Montreal Screw-job, Stone Cold Steve Austin just whooped your ass and the People’s Elbow at its finest.

    For the girls, it meant sex, sex and more sex. We wanted to see more of the women in a sexual way, more than just a good daddy’s little girl.


    But what prompted it all this change? For that answer, we take a look at Sable.

    Diva? What’s a Diva?

    In fact, Sable coined this term for herself and subsequently all the women in the WWE at a RAW in 1999.

    Thus christened an era.

    She embodied everything the first Diva would: Wrestling ability and supreme looks. She was truly the total package.

    And in my view, she wasn’t just good looking, she was the BEST looking.

    Sable was first introduced to the WWE as Marc Mero’s valet. When the fans (and I’m referring specifically to the male ones), began to take notice of her..ahem assets, her popularity grew and her role changed to fit the demand. People were watching RAW not only for the wrestling drama but to see what she would do (or wear). It was the start of using female sex appeal to draw fans.

    She turned from gorgeous female valet who never spoke to providing some of the most shocking in ring moments that we know today from women in the WWE.


    Who can forget Fully Loaded 1998, when she wore a potato sack into the ring before taking it off to reveal her entry into the first-ever bikini contest against Jaqueline—two handprints Hollywood Walk of Fame-Style imprinted on her breasts.

    Exposing her bare breasts live on a WWF pay-per-view?


    First Playboy Cover

    Yup, definitely a first at the time.

    She was also a formidable female wrestler for her time, winning the WWF Women’s Championship during her first run, becoming only the second Women’s Champion of the the re-introduction of the belt. Her finisher was a power bomb, a very strong move for a female to perform, and she called her version’s The Sable Bomb.

    Her presence created a demand for women competitors again in the WWE, more as duel package of wrestling and looks rather than looks alone. This drove the demand for the re-introduction of the Women’s belt.

    She also appeared in four WrestleManias, competing in three of them. She successfully defended her Women’s title against Tori in WrestleMania XV.

    Her ability to reinvent herself multiple times during her two stints in the WWE speaks volume to her talents as well.


    She bravely came back to the WWE for a second stint after a messy fallout with Vince McMahon the first time around. Yet, she was still popular as ever and it was if she never left in the first place. She was in the top feuds against Stephanie McMahon, Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson in her part deux.


    Sable and Torrie Wilson

    Among her many firsts, one of her most notable feats (and to the delight of many male fans), Sable was first WWE diva to appear on the cover of Playboy.

    She appeared in popular men’s magazine three times. Twice in 1999 and in 2004 when she shared a spread with other WWE hottie Torrie Wilson, another first. When she appeared in the magazine the first time in April 1999, sales were so high in some places that they had to redistribute copies from other areas to meet demand. That issue was one of the most popular of all time in Playboy’s history.

    In addition, Sable has shown her talents to the world outside the ring into movies and TV, with roles in productions like Pacific Blue, Relic Hunter and Corky Romano.

    Sable was a pioneer. She defined an era in the WWF. Easily in the most popular era of the WWE and when the WWE was at its peak, Its star female was Sable. Arugably the most lusted WWE Diva of her time. The winner and first real WWE Diva is Sable.

    Thank you for reading.

    You can check out my competition’s piece here.

    Article source:

    B/R Creature vs Creature 2.0: Introducing the Red Division

    Posted by Kari on June 24, 2011 under FUW News | Comments are off for this article

    Ryan Frye and Tim Nguyen will square off against one another as the third matchup for the Cross the Line Division.

    Ryan has an impressive 200 articles as a B/R Correspondent, and writes with a short and sweet style that stays lighthearted and flows well without dragging on at any point.  With 199 articles, however, something is keeping him from gaining his next B/R reputation.

    This competition could be the opportunity he needs to catapult him to the analyst reputation, unless Tim Nguyen has something to say about it.

    Tim has a short, informative style almost similar to that of Ryan’s method of writing.  Tim is still early in his B/R tenure and much like Tillster has some rough edges that could use polishing from the savvy guidance of a B/R legend. 

    Where’s Mike a.k.a. The Professor when you need him?

    Ryan and Tim have been charged with stating a case for Sunny or Sable as the true first WWE Diva.  Given their style of writing, look for these pieces to be short, very informative, and easy to read.

    If this happens, you should also expect both pieces to resemble last Monday’s three-hour episode of RAW.  Take that last statement however you choose to.

    Both Ryan and Tim will have to step out of their informative comfort zones to creatively appeal to the reader’s senses in order to defeat their opponent.

    The writer that chooses Sunny could win by arguing that Sunny was the WWE’s John Cena of the Divas Division in the past.  Sunny had the charisma, the looks, and was considered the total package for what the WWE needed to attract horny teens and married men to their product.

    The writer that chooses Sable could argue the exact same thing, relying on Sable’s sex appeal and wrestling ability to state a solid case for her sexual appeal the WWE needed to attract horny teens and married men to their product during the Attitude Era.

    In order to avoid disrespecting both women and the wrestling section’s female fans, both writers should also take care to point out each woman’s empowering ways and personalities.  Remember: Sunny managed the hell out of the Bodydonnas, and Sable gave Marc Mero all types of bad dreams.

    Unfortunately Sunny had hog slop dropped over her by the Godwinns and Sable was forced by Marc Mero to wear a potato sack to the ring.  There’s a bad joke waiting to happen somewhere in there.

    This is a fight that could go either way; expect the winner to prove without a shadow of a doubt that either Sunny’s cheerful personality and All-American Girl looks, or Sable’s raunchy and titillating sex appeal, attracted horny men to the product.

    Article source:

    No holds barred: One man’s journey through pro wrestling

    Posted by Joe Wrestling on June 16, 2011 under FUW News | Comments are off for this article

    Toward the end of my senior year of high school, my theology
    teacher, a behemoth of a human being who I’m pretty sure fought
    alongside the Philistines in a previous life, told our class to
    write an exhaustive, Jesus-filled, self-reflective term paper as
    our academic coup de grace.

    The prime objective of the assignment: Find out who you are.

    As a person who wears American flag pants, randomly shouts
    Daniel Day-Lewis lines in public and has placed bets on women’s
    college basketball games (it was a dark point in life), you can
    imagine how an exercise requiring extensive self-analysis would be
    challenging. For my classmates, many of whom have just as much of a
    chance of curing cancer as they do of going to prison for insider
    trading, the topic was just as perplexing.

    Any idea offered up by the class was quickly given the thumbs
    down from Conan the Barbarian. “That’s not you,” he huffed at us.
    “I just wanna know … WHO are YOU?!”

    “Screw it,” I told myself. Jesus wasn’t going to help me after
    all the dead baby jokes I had made in economics class. Plus, I
    still owed Him money from the Jets game. I did the responsible
    thing. I walked into the school library, walked past all the rows
    of leather-bound books containing philosophical treatises and
    sayings from the saints, sat down at one of the computers and fired
    up YouTube.

    After watching Flea Market Montgomery for the 32nd time and a
    few bum fights, I somehow ended up on the epic “I Quit” match from
    “WrestleMania 13″ between Bret “Hitman” Hart and “Stone Cold” Steve

    In terms of WrestleManias, “WrestleMania 13″ was like “Batman
    Robin,” only with a tad more spandex and fewer puns. Yet
    buried beneath that turd mine of pay-per-view shows was the diamond
    that was Hart vs. Austin. For about 30 minutes, the two beat the
    living bejesus out of each other like they were two 15-year-old
    girls fighting for the right to get fertilized by Justin

    As Hart locked the bloodied Texas Rattlesnake into the dreaded
    sharpshooter, a light bulb went off in my head. I remembered that
    whenever he gave his pre-match interviews, Hart would always turn
    to the camera and proclaim himself to be “the best there is, the
    best there was and the best there ever will be.”

    God had sent me a savior donned in pink and black trunks.

    I wrote a 10-to12-page term paper heavily based not on the
    theological proofs of Aquinas or the deontological arguments of
    Kant, but on a single catch line from the Excellence of

    I rode that line to an “A.”

    Ever since I flipped on the TV that one Saturday afternoon when
    I was 5 years old to see a bearded man with a voice that sounds
    like he choked down a bucket of pine cones wearing the outfit of a
    colorblind transvestite cowboy, I’ve been hooked to professional
    wrestling. I’m not one of those guys who collect the action figures
    and live in their parents’ basement until they’re 40, but I’m
    pretty damn close.

    My peers have told me they can tell whenever I write our paper’s
    editorial because words such as “slobberknocker” and “jabroni” wind
    up in the copy. When I interviewed for the job as editor-in-chief
    of the Alligator, I was wearing my Hulkamania tank underneath my
    starched shirt and tie – you know, for good luck.

    There have been times when I’ve woken up after Friday night bar
    crawls in pain, not from any hangover, but from the Ric Flair chops
    certain sports writers subjected me to.

    But what’s the appeal? Don’t they know it’s all fake? Are fans’
    lives so sad that they live out their wildest fantasies through
    costume-wearing, coked-out, mullet-rocking meatheads?

    The answer: Ehh, not really. Sure, it’s not exactly feasible to
    believe a 7-foot tall, 320-pound man was set on fire as a child by
    his brother who, despite being buried alive, locked into burning
    caskets and smashed with 150 gazillion chair shots, just cannot

    But it’s fun. And it’s American. Anyone can like it. Women watch
    it because it they can get giddy below the belt while looking at
    John Cena’s anatomy. Men watch it because they can get giddy below
    the belt while seeing someone jump off of a ladder to crush an
    opponent (and, for some, because they get to look at John Cena’s

    It’s also a great conversation starter. I’m not suggesting you
    go up to that sorority girl at the bar and ask her if she prefers
    the camel clutch or the mandible claw. But you’d be surprised how
    many times “WHATCHYA GONNA DO MEAN GENE?” yields interesting

    Ladies, if a man does offer you a “skull crushing finale,” it’s
    probably not in your best interest to take it. However, if he
    offers a “stone cold stunner,” take interest but make sure he has
    money and protection.

    Is wrestling scripted? Sure. But that’s the case with all
    movies, political elections and landing on the moon. The bumps,
    however, are very money. I don’t care if you’ve been spoiled rotten
    with every cinematic explosion, fistfight or Arnold one-liner, it’s
    not as boss as seeing a man thrown 20 feet off the top of a steel
    cage onto a table, then thrown through the top the same cage to
    have a chair hit him on the way down before being thrown onto a
    pile of thumbtacks – all in a 15-minute span.

    And that’s PG compared to the stuff they used to do with stop
    signs, barbed wire and fire chairs (yes, actual chairs on

    Will pro-wrestling make you tougher? No. I got chased out of my
    shower the other day by a bee. Will it make you smarter? Probably
    not. I’ve wasted too much mental storage space on the names of
    finishing moves. Will it get you laid? If it does, it’s probably
    the kind of sex that will have you in court a few years later
    pointing out the “no-no” places on the doll.

    But it definitely makes you a real American who will fight for
    the rights of every man.

    C.J. Pruner is the editor-in-chief of the

    Article source:

    The Ultimate Warrior Releases Another Anti-Hogan Rant

    Posted by Joe Wrestling on June 8, 2011 under FUW News | Comments are off for this article

    The Ultimate Warrior has accused fellow former professional wrestler, Hulk Hogan, of drug use and wife-swapping. In the latest of his recently released anti-Hulkster web videos, Warrior called Hogan a cocaine-abusing “dope head” who tried to get Warrior to have sex with Hogan’s ex-wife.

    While some may view this as the type of trash-talking the two wrestling icons may have participated in before, say, an Intercontinental Championship title bout back in the early ’90s, many of The Ultimate Warrior’s statements now seem to go below the belt. Warrior released the rant yesterday to promote a 55 minute anti-Hogan video he plans to release later this month … the latest attack in a bitter personal feud that’s been going on between the wrestlers for years.

    Warrior offers no hard evidence to back his claims — but gives specific details about Hulk’s alleged drug use and sex life in this video.

    What’s this — professional wrestlers abused drugs and had weird sex during their decadent, No Holds Barred heyday, when people still cared about pro wrestling? You have got to be kidding!

    The truth is, as Hulk said in so many words via his Twitter account, no one really cares about these washed-up, steroid-abused wrecks any more.

    * But answer me this, Warrior? What are you gonna do when me and my [ever-dwindling number of] Hulkamaniacs run wild on you?

    Article source: